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Dog and Cat Jokes

Hey Friends! Get ready to laugh your tail off as we have a growing collection of dog and cat jokes that are PURR-fect for those RUFF days.


Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? Because they can’t bury them in the air!

What kind of dog would you find in a cave? A Bat Terrier

What kind of dog does Dracula have? A Bloodhound

What dog wears contact lenses? A cock-eyed spaniel

What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? He stole the show!

What did the hungry Dalmatian say after its meal? That hit the spots!

Why did the man bring his dog to the railroad station? Because he wanted to “train” him!

What kind of dog can jump as high as a tall building? Any kind. A building can’t jump!

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower

Why did the dog carry a clock? He wanted to be a watch dog

What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper? Rough! Rough!

Why do you need a license for a dog and not for a cat? Cats can’t drive

What do you call a happy Lassie? A jolly collie

What dog loves to take bubble baths? A shampoodle

When is a black dog not a black dog? When it’s a greyhound

Why do dogs run in circles? Because it’s hard to run in squares!

What do you get if you cross a British Beetle and an Australian Dog? Dingo Starr!

What do you call a German Shepard in jeans and t-shirt? A plain clothes police dog!


Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

A burglar is sneaking around the living room of the house he’s just broken into when he suddenly hears a voice saying “Beware, Jesus is watching you.” He turns around, swings the beam of his flashlight to direction the voice and sees a parrot. The bird repeats “Beware, Jesus is watching you.” The burglar walks up to the parrot and asks “And what may your name be?” The parrot answers “Bobo.” The burglar snickers and says “I think that is a silly name for a parrot.” The parrot answers “Maybe, but not half as silly as Jesus for a Rottweiler.”


How many Dogs does it take to Change a Light Bulb?

Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a circle…

Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

German Shepard: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who broke the light bulb? I SAID, “STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!”

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a light bulb?

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Jack Russell: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Make me.



Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.

How do you know when your cat has been using your computer? When your mouse has teeth marks on it!

If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.

What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas? Santa Claws!

What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.

What has more lives than a cat? A frog – it croaks all the time!

What is a cat’s favorite subject in school? HISS-tory.

Which is the cats’ all-time favorite song? “Three Blind Mice.”


PURRfect Jokes

How does the cat get its own way? With friendly Purr-suasion.

How is catfood sold? Purr-can.

What cat purrs more than any other? Purr-sians!

What do baby cats wear? Dia-purrs!

What do cats use to make coffee? A Purr-colator.

What do you call a fraction of a cat? A Purr-cent.

What do you call someone who steals women’s handbags and cats? A Purr-snatcher.

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The Purr-patrator.

What grade did the cat get on his test? A Purr-fect score!

What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple!

What is the best award a cat can earn? The Purr-litzer prize.

Why did the judge dismiss an entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of Purr-jury.


The Top Ten Signs your Cat Needs a Diet

10. The Cat door was retro-fitted with garage door opener.

9. House guests confuse your cat for beanbag chair.

8. No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

7. Luxurious, shiny black fur has been replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.

6. It’s no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

5. Your two-year-old son sees the Pillsbury Dough Boy and is convinced it’s the cat.

4. Waits for the third bowl of food before getting finicky.

3. She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull.

2. An enormous gut keeps your floors freshly buffed.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Overweight…

1. He has more chins than lives.


If you have funny dog or cat jokes and stories that you would like added to this page, please email them to us.

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